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Old toys

Today I helped my older brother get all of his exercise equipment out of the basement since he has moved out. We are graciously storing a few items, free rent, but they will be used! I relate it to me letting my cousin borrow my baby stuff, you want it, i don’t wanna store it, when I want it back, give it back in good condition. I am excited about the punching bag. HELLO stress relief! I love that thing. And Mike will finally have a weight bench, but I am now informed he needs an Olympic bar and that the Olympic bar only takes Olympic weights… ugh.

As we took things to the garage I saw a stuffed bear sticking out of a box, just the back of a brown bear, because of how poorly it was packed I believed it to probably be one her boyfriends boxes. I lifted it up to look only to realize it was mine! A large brown bear with a bell in its tail. He came with a big green bow, Christmas I believe, but the bow is long gone now. I grabbed the decaying trash bag it was in, and the one below it. Below it was a box with odds and ends of mine. I dragged it in the house. Mike grumbling about how we don’t need more crap.

I opened the bag to find a small bunny I have had since I can remember, a bunny in a diaper with a paci in her hand that was brought home from the hospital with me, a large stuffed panda bear (in terrible condition) that i received my first christmas (I have pictures!) when I was about 3 months old. I know I shouldn’t but I still treasure these things. It is amazing to think that they have lasted so long and I have such fond memories of all of them. The second bag  was a DAV give away bag that got misplaced, for years probably, and of course they just had just picked up that morning! It’s ok, there is always next time. I hope mom makes good use of their receipts, we give them so much. There was also a box with some old craft stuff, some embroidery I had started when I was like 10 ect.

It made me start thinking about things that Dominic might remember when he is my age. I realized it is the small things that matter. I was blessed to have such a great childhood, and cursed with a depression so thick I failed to see it at the time. Dominic might not get vacations and power wheels, but he has an abundance of good toys, and lots of trips to the zoo. We may not have a great house, but we have a wonderful home. A steady home, with no chances of bouncing from place to place or having no where to go. If something serious ever happened I have two sets of wonderful parents that would take us in with room to spare. Dominic also has something that Mike and I both had at his age, 2 parents. But my parents divorced when I was about 6 and I believe Mike was that or a little younger when his parents split as well. On a regular basis I make Mike promise to be with me forever. He always reluctantly agrees with a smile and a kiss.

So we got home, hastily had dinner, the boys worked out while mommy had a brownie (I made it to split with D but he wouldn’t touch it, and of course Mr. willpower didn’t want to eat that much fat right after he worked out-insert eyeroll-). I looked around the living room and wondered what D might remember in 20 years. Potato head (all 3 of them), his “waygos” (Legos, actually duplos and megablocks), his toy story toys? So instead of rushing him, I let him play, he sat on our bed and played with his tools while daddy worked out. We skipped bath time. Bed time came and went. After he hid his tools under my covers a 2nd time I chased him to his room. It was lights out right about 9, only 30 min late, no big deal. Sang him a few songs and left. Well he didn’t go to sleep. He reads books in the dark, talks, makes his bed on the floor by his door.  He started crying about the time daddy left for work at 10 so I went and tucked him in once again. a few songs and a few tickles. I offered him Eeyore,  that he got from my mom the day he came home from the hospital and he slept with every night from about 1 year till a month or 2 ago. It makes me sad when he pushes him away. He won’t put him in the toy box, Eeyore gets a special spot next to the bed. But it makes me realize how quick he is already growing up. I tucked him in real tight, lots of kisses, and left again. He whined a little while longer till he couldn’t fight any more. I wish he was a sound enough sleeper I could go peek at him, run my fingers through his baby fine hair and sing “I’ll love you forever” when he is asleep. But I will settle for him giggling and holding my hand through it and repeating baby you’ll be at the end.

Then Eeyore isn’t so sad. While I might lose those stuffed animals again, maybe forever next time (but not quite willing to do it on purpose just yet), I will NEVER forget my mom singing me blue moon. Reading me “The Very Bad Bunny” or “I’ll Love You Forever”

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In the beginning…

I never knew so many life changing decisions/things could be made in such a short time period. We got Mike enrolled in classes today for the first time. He seemed paralyzed in fear sitting it the office so a more accurate description would be I enrolled him in classes today. Mom got a different work schedule that will completely change when she can watch Dominic, but I will be able to see her more it seems. I am trying to decipher the foreign text that is the schedule of courses  for myself. All while still tying to figure out when I can work and when Mike can sleep. I wish he could do as well on 3 hours of sleep as I do. It is 1:30 right now and I am not even tired… I have been forcing myself to go to bed by 2 lately and even then some nights I am up till 3 or later.

Dominic just woke up for the 3rd time tonight, don’t know what his deal is, hope is isn’t getting sick, not this week… No lullaby this time, just a few pats on the back and some kisses and back to sleep he goes. I am sure the second I fall asleep he will wake up once more.

Tomorrow I am making a huge decision, no matter how much we talk about it, I still can’t be 100% sure about what I want. Yet as I write that I know it’s what we want. We just aren’t sure it’s financially feasible (actually we are pretty damn sure it’s not, but it will all work out). I’m going to do it. They will take out my birth control in less than 12 hours. I have been on some form of bc for almost 10 years (exception- pregnancy!). The last time I got pregnant, we didn’t plan it. But a punch in the face by a random stranger, severe depression, skipped bc pills, and BAM best decision we never made! Our plan is to have the bc out for a few months and not start trying till May or June to get pregnant. If left to me, we would end up pregnant in a month, but I know he has enough self-control for the both of us. He also just reminded (through text, he works 3rd shift) me that sex is going to cost now! lol Though his best text ever came a week or so ago. The night before we had-had yet another serious discussion about bc removal and while at work the next day he sent me this – “You need to schedule an appointment to get that thing out.”  I laughed and cried at the same time.

Mike got hearing aids last week. For the first time in almost 10 years I he can really hear me! Ok so now I’m worried about divorce, I talk a hell of a lot, and usually about nothing he wants to hear. While he was watching tv the other day I kept rambling on about something like I normally do from the next room. His usual response is either “you know I can’t hear you” “did you say something” or “what?”. This time he said nothing, then said I’m trying to watch the movie. I paused. I remembered what he had said at the zoo about background noise overtaking what he was trying to hear. I smiled. “I’m background noise aren’t I?” He looked up half smiled and rolled his eyes. “You have to listen to me! You can hear every word I’m saying! I love it!” And I continued to ramble for a while longer just till he looked up and smiled. I feel like we will continually be paying for hearing aids for the rest of his life, but it is SOOOO worth it. Plus he absolutely had to have them to start school.

Dominic left the house today in his underwear. No accidents either!!!! It was a first, a big one. He does so well at home, that I know it is me pushing his progress back by being scared of an accident when we are not home. Granted it was just to grab my paycheck & run in the bank, to moms, grab dinner, then back to moms, then home. But still, BIG milestone. I think I will give him a special treat tomorrow morning in honor of it. Now bedtime and nap time are something else…

On top of all this craziness, I am throwing a baby shower Sunday for my cousin (at her house), majorly helping my mom throw a surprise bday party for my aunt Saturday, and now helping with a surprise bday party for my best friend Friday night. Her 21st and she is newly pregnant. We will see how many people don’t know by the end of the evening! ; ) As for myself, I better enjoy a few drinks for her before its 2 years of sobriety for pregnancy and breastfeeding. Someone said something about the Chippendales soon…. hmmm I might just have to scrape together $20 and go. But before all that I must go to sleep. It is past my 2am bed time. I have spewed as many thoughts as I can and it reminds me fondly of writing in my journals in middle and high school. So even if no one else ever reads this, I will look back some day and be glad I wrote it. And maybe just maybe it will help with the stress headaches I have been having the last few weeks. I think that brownie helped too… maybe I’ll post a recipe for it soon, to delicious to forget.